Why I Hate Tom Cruise
(and why you should, too)
Okay, this is the page that the internet was invented for.
Basically, Hollywood and its entire milieu sucks. Okay, we all know that, no major news flash. But we deal with it. Most of the time. But there are exceptions, abominations against nature that make our blood boil and our bile curdle in our throats until we can taste it in our eyeballs. And that, gentle reader, is the moment when we take keyboard in hand and let the world know that, NO, we will not take it any more. And Tom Cruise is that moment. Here, then, is my line in the sand. Why I will not stand idly by and watch Tom Cruise destroy my beloved film industry.
First of all: I am not unreasonable. I don't hate this miscreant as a person. I don't even know the gentleman. For all I know, he could be a peach of a guy. And I'll be the first to admit that he did a good deed when he kicked the shit out of Wilford Brimley in "The Firm". But that is not enough. I still need to hate him as a presence (perhaps an "entity"?) within the motion picture universe. But, alas, that is enough.
Second, I DO hate him within that context. And YOU should too. Trust me, you will agree with me, by the time you finish reading this page, if you have a shred of logic in your being. At least, I hope so, if humanity is to be saved.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "He's a good actor! He's made many great movies! You must be fucking nuts, you moron!"
Sorry to disappoint you, but you are wrong. He does not "act". What he does is called "mugging", not "acting". It involves staring at the camera, affecting a stupid, puerile grin, and letting the world bask in love for his beautifulness. Sorry, but that doesn't cut it. At least, not for film lovers who have experienced art more advanced than Saturday morning cartoons and Sunday night Creature Features.
Thirdly: this dickweed has been blighting the movie landscape for two or three decades now, and has he gotten any better at his "craft"? No, no, no! You'd think he'd take a seminar or a class or two, but nooooo, he continues to think that mugging at the camera constitutes "acting". I'm not an actor by any stretch, and I pull off a better act each time I ask my boss for a raise. I'll bet you do, too.
Fourth: Remember "Eyes Wide Shut"? If not, you are lucky. Stanley Kubrick was obviously deep in the pits of senility by then, both for casting TC in the first place, and for letting him run amuck in the second place. Well, Cruise-boy spent the entire movie, in character, telling the other characters that "I'm a Doctor!" Excuse me? This had no place in the plot, and I can only assume that it was a crude attempt to make his character appear less pathetic. But don't get me started. The problems with this movie are an entire rant unto themselves, even beyond the TC problems that it so abundantly illustrates.
Fifth, and possibly most importantly: In one of his early movies (maybe you made the mistake of seeing it? and the even worse mistake of LIKING it?) called "Risky Business", Mr. Cruise played a high school student trying to get into college. His character really wanted to get accepted by some east coast faggot school like Haaaahvard or Princeton, but fucked up and didn't get in. So he "resigned" himself to going to "the University of Illinois" as if this were a fate worse than death! Well, gentle reader, trust me. I DID go to the University of Illinois (garnered a coupla degress, actually, and did quite well with them, professionally), and a greater haven of knowledge, learning, and edification has not been seen on this planet since Socrates ran his charm school in ancient Greece! Any misbegotten critter who could have uttered these craven lines on screen is beneath contempt, in my totally biased opinion. Totally biased, yes, but hey, who is paying the internet fees to keep this website alive, eh? You? Your mother? I didn't THINK so!!
Where was I? Shit, I'm lost. You see how crazy this all makes me? I'll get back to this page later. All this time wasted on my favorite whipping boy has driven me to drink. I'm off to whip up a Bombay Sapphire martini in the kitchen and maybe kick the dog across the street. More later, when and if I sober up. Stay tuned!
YET ANOTHER NEWS FLASH!!!!
It's good to know that I am not alone. A quick Goole search yielded the following kindred souls and their own cyber diatribes against our favorite mugging miscreant. I'm sure you can dig up even more pages on your own with but a tiny amount of initiative....
Still More News for Youse to Use!!!
Well, whaddya know? The ever respectable Straight Dope Message Board has, all of a sudden (coincidence? Read the book!) started a thread about "Actors That Just Rub You The Wrong Way", featuring, naturally, our favorite miscreant. Read all about it right HERE. Note: I post on the SDMB under the name of Tim R. Mortiss. Enjoy!!!
Why I Hate Tom Cruise