what the fuck???

TNMC FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions):

Well, to tell the truth, there are NO frequently asked questions, because, well, nobody ever asks us ANY questions!  So, please read on to the next section......

TNMC RAQ (Rarely Asked Questions):

Okay, that's more like it.  Here are some questions that someone might ask, someday, if they are sufficiently bored with their lives.....

1) Who the hell are you guys, anyway?

A: Well, we're nobodies, really.  We're just a coupla guys who met in college, way back in the 70s (you remember them, eh?  Bell bottoms, long hair?  The decade after the 60s?).  We both loved movies, and started going to them as often as we could.  That turned out to be once or twice per week or so, depending on how boring our classes were.  Ah, campus movies, a buck a head admission, those were the days.  We saw campus movies on Fridays and Saturdays, and townie movies on dollar night which was usually Mondays.  Since we graduated and moved back to Chicago, however, things have changed.  We settled on Thursdays, and have been doing it ever since.  We also both love the subtle aspects of the movies: the character actors who nobody knows their names (see our Hall Of Fame); the sly references to other movies that nobody else gets; the odd camera angle or lighting that eludes the casual observer.  That kind of crap.

2) Why are your reviews so far out of date?

A: Well, for Chrissakes.  We have jobs, you know?  It's not like we are professional movie reviewers or anything.  We have rent to pay, and we occasionally like to eat and stuff, so we need to work for a living.  When we get around to it, we go to a flick or two.  But don't expect us to see them the day before they are released, like Roger Fucking Ebert or something, so you can read about it in your morning paper or something.  We'll see them when we can, okay????

And another thing.  Movies usually come out on a Friday, right?  That means that the first Thursday to roll around is basically a week AFTER the release, so we are petty much guaranteed to be a little late, right?  Not even counting how long it takes to write up a deeply thoughtful review, and find time to update the damn website, eh?  So lay off already!!!!

3) Do you really only see "guy movies"?

A: Well, mostly, yes.  You see, we're guys.  We don't have a sensitive bone in our bodies.  I mean, I like watching Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff as much as the next guy, but you can't always count on that.  And besides, when we can occasionally cajole a woman into going to a movie with us, its bound to be a Saturday, and she's bound to want to see some panty-waste "film" that makes you want to cry.  And (shudder) talk about how you "feel" afterwards.  Yucko!!  That leaves Thursdays to see the real movies, the guy movies, the movies that aren't afraid to show a gratuitous head lopping or two.  And that's what it's all about, isn't it?  I knew that you'd see it my way.

4) Why do you always list the director before the actors in your movie reviews?  I mean, really, who the hell cares?

A: Actors are merely props.  Not to mention morons.  (Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins leap to mind.)  Directors create movies.  They determine what it will be all about, give it life, determine if it will suck or not.  Here is a little test for you:  Theater A has an Orson Welles movie.  Theater B has a Tom Cruise movie.  Which will you choose?  Nuff said.  (If you said Theater B, you suck.  Never log onto my website again, ass-eyes.)

5) What is this Carmine's joint that you drone on and on about?

A: Carmine's is a delightful Italian restaurant on Chicago's famous Rush Street.  It has a basement bar where we suck down martinis and smoke cigars and discuss the movie that we just saw.  It also has a fabulous piano player named Sami who is a jewel to listen to.  Her golden tones help us digest the movie that we just saw.  Pop in some evening and join us.  We'll buy you your first drink, if we're in a good mood.  Just ask the bartender to point out "the martini boys".

6) Is it true that women find you guys irresistible?

A: Alas, this is a falsehood.  There ain't no justice.

7) What do you morons look like?

A: If you have a strong stomach, you can find pictures of Larry and me here.  And even more of us

8) Why don't you use proper capitalization and punctuation on your website?

A: Hey, it's free, ain't it?  Quit your bitchin'.  You're lucky we do this at all.

9) Are you supposed to use a single space or a double space after a period, that is to say, at the end of a sentence?

A: Just be glad I can't come over there and hurt you.  Weasel-dick.

10) What's with all your negative comments about Tom Cruise?  What's your beef with the poor guy?  He's a decent actor and has made many blockbusters!  And he's cute!!

A: I can hardly begin to enumerate the ways I detest this miscreant.  But let me try:

a) Can't act.
b) Not cute. He looks like a Romulan with mongoloidism (sorry, I meant "Downe's Syndrome" for the PC crowd) (not that there's anything wrong with that).
c) Always looks so fucking smug. Stop smirking, you pin-dick!
d) Dissed the University of Illinois in "Risky Business". Ass-wipe.
e) Has ruined at least one should-have-been-awesome movie per year for the last fifteen years.
f) Still can't act. You'd think he'd take a seminar or something, already!
g) Screwed up a good thing with Nicole Kidman.
h) In a purely alogical, visceral sort of way, he just makes my skin crawl and grosses me out of existence!  And gives me the royal heebee jeebees!!  Please, by all that is holy, retire and/or die already!!!

11) How can I become a member of the Thursday Night Movie Club?

A: Forget about it, kid. You don't need the world of heartache that Larry and I have resigned ourselves to. Just thank your lucky stars that we live out the pain, so you don't have to. You're welcome.

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Miscellaneous Ramblings
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Thursday Night Toast
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Why I Hate Tom Cruise
Stay for the Credits, Dammit!!!